With spring rolling around, perhaps it’s time to do some “gardening” in your marriage. Maybe your relationship is healthy and you’re just looking for the next way to breathe more life into it. Or, perhaps you and your spouse have recently gone through some rough patches and need to reconnect. Wherever you’re at, try implementing these ideas to revive your marriage.
I’ve had a passion for marriage and family since I was in college. I almost went down the route of becoming a marriage and family therapist but was too scared off by the amount of schooling required. While I never went for the degree, my heart is still for marriage and for encouraging and supporting others in it. At the time of writing this, my husband and I have been married for almost 12 years. We have two kids now and have learned and grown so much through the different seasons we’ve experienced. I’ve joked before about our irreconcilable differences, but I realize in some cases, these differences can be much more painful.
While marriage can be one of the greatest blessings we experience in life, it can also be hard work and, unfortunately, even a source of deep pain. Just like a garden, a marriage can shrivel up when it isn’t cared for, nourished, and protected. The relationship itself is meant to reflect the love, sacrifice, and commitment between Jesus Christ and the people who follow Him. But when you have two individuals with selfish tendencies (eh-hem, every one of us!), it doesn’t always look like that.
Thankfully, just like bringing a garden back to life, you can revive your marriage. All it takes is intention and persistence.
Revive Your Marriage | 20+ Ways to Rekindle Your Relationship
- Read. You don’t have to literally sit down and read chapter-by-chapter together (although my husband and I have tried that). Even just reading the same book at the same time can open up some fun conversations. Below are some of my favorite books for marriage, but you could certainly choose a fiction book (we loved this one) or whatever interests both of you.
- Pray. Commit to praying for your spouse and your marriage. You can also ask your spouse if there’s anything specific you can be praying about. Chances are, they’ll be touched by the love extended in this simple offering. If they share what they’d like prayer for, resist any urges to give advice and don’t. judge. If you’ve already been praying for each other, try stepping up your game and try praying together.
- Cook together. Make a meal together. (Bonus points if it’s meaningful, like a replica of that gnocchi you had while honeymooning in Italy.)
- Reminisce. Flip through old photos from when you were dating or first got married. And please, when you do this, don’t start thinking “What has happened to us?!” or “We’ll never be like that again!”. Discipline yourself into thinking positively. “We were so young! We’ve grown and learned so much!” or “I can’t wait to see how we grow together through our current challenges.” Think and speak life over your marriage.
- Words of affirmation. Compliment his/her appearance. Simple, but powerful!
- Help out. Do a chore he/she normally does — and do it cheerfully, without expecting anything in return. (Learn to enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing, regardless of how other people behave.)
- Schedule a date. Get a sitter and go on a date. If you can’t get a sitter, have a date at home after the kids go to bed.
- Watch your tongue. Refrain from any negative comments or even facial expressions. Every word out of your mouth should be positive toward your spouse. It doesn’t matter what he/she did or didn’t do. When we sow beauty and life into our spouses, we reap beauty and life.
- Give him or her the benefit of the doubt. So often, we assume the worst when we should be assuming the best. I can recall so many times when I’ve felt guilty for things (like spending too much money or not getting anything done during the day). Despite the guilt I’ve felt, my husband has always responded with love and understanding. Do you know how that makes me feel? Safe. Safe enough to step out of the defensive mode I put myself in and just breathe. And if there’s any person in the world you should feel safe with, it’s your spouse.
- Improve your communication habits. Commit to talking through hangups by communicating with “we’s” instead of the more accusatory “you”. Likewise, if something is bothering you or if there’s something you need help with, speak up kindly before getting grouchy about it.
- “We spent too much money last month.” (My sweet husband says this sometimes and never points the finger — Lol! How awesome is he!)
- “I can see that we can’t seem to reach an agreement on […]”.
- “I’d love if you could help me take out the trash more often.” or even “Would you please take out the trash?” (You’d be surprised how many spouses are willing to help if they just know what we want!)
- Surprise him or her with a gift. Whenever I think about gift-giving, I get overwhelmed and try to come up with some grand idea that could never be topped. Unfortunately, all this does is prevent me from giving anything. If you want to surprise your spouse with a gift, even something small can go a long way in showing that you were thinking of him/her. Whether it’s a favorite candy or snack, a coffee, or a silly t-shirt you saw at Target, a little thoughtfulness can go a long way.
- Be adventurous. Try something new together and do it with enthusiasm and an open mind. By exploring new places and trying new activities, you have a chance to strengthen the bond you both have as members of the same team. My husband and I love trying new things to freshen up our dates. Among the most recent are kayaking (so fun) and an escape room (less fun — but we still laugh about it!).
- Game night. Whether you play cards or heads-up! (which has been our favorite lately), game nights are a fun way to break up the evening rut and breathe a little life into your relationship.
- Write a surprise love note or text. Again, so many of these ideas are so. easy. You don’t always have to go overboard to nurture your relationship. A little note or text that says “I love you” or “Thank you for […]” can go a long way.
- Practice self-care. Listen up. If your spirit is weighed down, you won’t be able to give your best to your spouse. Make sure you get what you need to be YOU. Whether it’s time outside or an uninterrupted shower, both you and your spouse will reap the benefits. God has specifically chosen you to be in your spouse’s life. You have unique gifts that can bless him or her in a way nobody else can. But if you’re burdened all the time, those beautiful gifts will go deep into hiding, never to be seen or enjoyed.
- Laugh and/or be silly together. Maybe it’s putting on music and having a dance party in your kitchen. Or maybe it’s literally racing to see who can get to bed first. Or maybe you start a tickle fight. Whatever it is, loosen up and have fun. If you feel like an idiot, you’re doing it right. 😉
- Spend time with healthy couples. And take notes. Even if your marriage is healthy, isn’t there always something to be learned? Pay attention to how they talk to each other and about each other. Pay attention to how they look at each other. What do they do for fun together? How do they address challenges and disagreements? Mimic them until it becomes a habit.
- Stop comparing. Yes, you should be able to learn from healthy couples around you. But DON’T COMPARE YOUR SPOUSE OR YOUR MARRIAGE TO ANYONE ELSE’S. We always see the best of other peoples’ marriages and assume their relationships are perfect. But we fail to consider that a.) every marriage — no matter how perfect it might appear — has challenges, and b.) every marriage is composed of two people who are NOT you, and thus have different personalities, sensitivities, tendencies, challenges, gifts, etc. What works well in one marriage might not work well in yours. When we compare, we are only allowing ourselves to be distracted from fully experiencing, serving in, and benefiting from the situation we are actually in.
- Use touch. Some of us need to be more intentional about this. Whether it’s holding hands or doing a quick butt grab as you walk by, it can speak volumes of love (especially if touch is your love language). Again, often the simplest gestures speak the loudest.
- Ask follow-up questions. If your spouse is telling you about his or her day, try to respond with more than just one word. Find a follow-up question you can ask to show you’re not only paying attention but are also interested in what they have to say. Likewise, make it a point to check in with them on their interests and hobbies. (e.g., “How is that book you’re reading?”)
- Don’t rely on your spouse for your identity. This is a big one. So many of us are seeking affirmation of who we are from our spouses, and if we feel like we aren’t getting it, we become hurt. You really need to know and be comfortable with who you are if you want your marriage to thrive.
- Don’t take it too seriously. We women tend to overthink things. A lot. Sometimes analyzing whether something is fair, whether we’ve been wronged, or why we feel hurt just isn’t helpful. Sometimes, we need to just let it go and find joy in doing what is right. Sometimes, we just need to take a step back and regain perspective. Sometimes, we need to just laugh at ourselves and our spouses, even (no, especially) amidst tension. Sometimes, we just need to let it go and take the next step forward.
So there’s my 20+ list of ways to revive your marriage. But here’s the kicker. To really create a healthy marriage, we need to pour 100% of ourselves into it without expecting anything in return. (Easier said than done, right?) Thankfully, when we give of ourselves, it usually prompts our spouses to give back. But we cannot expect a healthy, thriving marriage if each spouse is keeping score and only willing to do his or her “half” of the effort. (Personally, I’m much more able to give 100% if I’m getting filled up by God first!)
Now, go get ’em!
What a great list of ways to revive your marriage. I remember when I got married I asked my grandmother for her words of wisdom. She was not one to mince words and she said, “Sometimes marriage is work.” It took me a while to understand what she meant but I got it eventually. She was right, sometimes it is work, but it is worth it.
So true. It isn’t always about our own personal enjoyment. 😉
I must admit, praying for my husband is something that I overlook way too often. It is in my heart to pray for him, and I do… but not nearly as much as I should. I let life get in the way of doing some of these little things that mean the most sometimes. I really enjoyed reading your post, it has encouraged and motivated me to do better in many aspects of my marriage. While I feel my marriage is really good, there is ALWAYS room for improvement. & I look forward to putting more effort into doing some of the things you have listed. I am also checking out some of the books you recommended. I love the 5 Love Language books but have not read the others you listed!
Oh, also, we love game night. 😀
Yay! I’m with you — it’s so easy to let our marriages just cruise along, especially when there aren’t any problems. But I think maybe we don’t realize how GOOD they can be with a little more intention. I’m trying some of these things along with you! 🙂
Loved this! We’ve recently started being MUCH more consistent about praying together as a couple before bed, and it has made a WORLD of difference for us. We also take the time every night after that prayer to really check in with each other emotionally and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, which is one of the best ways to strengthen a relationship.
Also, what is this heads up! game you speak of? Sounds intriguing 🙂
What a sweet routine to have! Vulnerability is so important. Hard, but necessary for anyone to feel wholly loved and safe. 🙂
Oh, Heads Up! It’s a free app. One person sees a word and tries to get the other person to guess it. It’s silly, easy, and fun. 🙂
Great read! Love the list!!
Thank you! <3